‘Cat in the Hat’ un-Review

Background: In 2003, the full-length live-action version of Dr. Seuss’ The Cat in the Hat was released. Disappointed by the mangled Jim Carrey Grinch movie of 2000, I consulted with friends and did lots of reading about this Cat version. Concluding that this too was a problematic movie, I decided not to see it. At the time I was a regular on a Usenet movie fan site. For their amusement, I posted this “un-review” of Cat.

Cat in the Hat? I will not see that!

No ma’am! No sir! And do not mistake me!
I will not go see it, and you cannot make me!
I’ve made my decision, and on this I stand pat:
I will not go see “The Cat in the Hat”!

It’s not because of Mike Myers, in his cat-suit so hairy;
He’s much more appealing than the Grinch as Jim Carrey.
(Even tho’ there’s a sight-gag which clearly is phallic;
To sex up this kids’ tale I find rather appallic.)

It’s not because of the Fish, which is voiced by Sean Hayes,
‘Tho I’m not at all pleased with its bug-eyed fish gaze.

Not even Alec Baldwin (that Left-wing hate-monger,
Who promised to leave, yet his stay here goes onger),
He’s not enough to keep me from the the-a-ter,
For my enjoyment of Myers is simply much greater.

No, the reasons I’ve chosen to stay far away
From the local film houses on opening day,
The two horrid reasons, and I’m telling you true,
Are those hideous hell-beasts, Thing One and Thing Two.

Their faults I now will enumerate,
So please keep on reading
As I will now illustrate:

They’re played by ‘tweenagers, which means they’re too tall,
When in the book they’re just half that size small.

The Things are Caucasian, which is weird and not right;
They’d be much more less freakish if pure cartoon white.

Their synthetic hair should be wind-blown and wild;
Those spray-stiffened coifs are too vertically-styled.
That Marge Simpson look makes my mind’s-eye to fester;
It’s like a cruel anti-tribute to Elsa Lanchester.

But the things ’bout the Things that I hate most of all,
That upset me so much and boil my gall,
That so blatantly put my gut off its paces
Are the permanent smiles on those latex Thing faces.

If you hoped to cause nightmares when kids become sleepy,
You could not do worse than those death-grins so creepy.
With their turned-up pug noses and cheeks dyed so peachy,
The Things look more like two mutant Monchichi.

And so, due to them, I simply must say
That I’ll stay at home on opening day.
You can go see it, I’ll just sit where I’m at,
For I will not go see “The Cat in the Hat.”

Original posted in 2003; this version copyright © 2016 Designs by Gus